The other day I was going away with a friend for the weekend. Her kids were going to have a sleepover while she was away. Understandably, they spoke often during our 3 day trip. During one of the conversations they had, I overheard her telling them things that completely left me dumbfounded.-She kept asking her kids if they were having fun and enjoying themselves with their friends. Most astonishing to me was that she was truly excited that they were having fun, even though she was away (they were with their father). As they ended the call she again reiterated the same sentiments by saying, “I love you, have fun, enjoy yourself.” There was no trace of worry or fright in her voice. In other words the conversation was full of love, fun, respect, and trust.
This left me so completely stunned because it was certainly nothing like the conversation my mom and I would have shared under these circumstances. It seemed like every time I left the house the comments I heard consisted of showing me how I had to be fearful of the world.
They included:
Be safe.
Be careful.
Lock the doors.
Put on your seatbelt.
Don’t drive too fast.
Call me as soon as you get there so I know your ok.
Don’t get home too late.
Who is driving?
My reply was always the same in order to fruitlessly reassure my mom. “Mom, nothing’s going to happen, I’ll be fine, you worry too much.” Several times I caught her waiting up for me though she was so tired; she needed to know I got home before she would allow herself to fall asleep.
Therefore, it was no wonder my friend’s care-free but loving attitude completely shocked me. The stark contrast in the vocabulary between what I always heard growing up and the one my friend used, left me stunned. Naively, I didn’t know there was another way to relate to your kids. I know that love was not the issue; my mom loves me completely and unconditionally as does my friend of her kids. So why such a dramatic difference in parenting styles?
Why did my mom feel it necessary to show me how much she cared and loved me by subconsciously giving me the message that at any moment, I could be in harm’s way; teaching me indirectly that the world was not safe. Wouldn’t she have done a better service to me by showing me that life is fun and exciting and I should enjoy every minute of it? By trusting that all will be well and if something should arise, we would overcome it together.
I know my mom was just doing the best she could and felt she was protecting me some way out of caring and love. However, when I become a parent I know I will choose to inspire my kids to see every moment as exciting instead of fearing all the “what if’s” that we have no control over anyway.
Therefore ,I truly want others to question whether instilling fear in their children is doing a favor to them or a disservice. Why does a 6 yr old show up to kindergarten with a nervous stomach? What does a 6 yr old know about fear and anxiety other than what we have passed on to them about needing to be in fear. Is it fair that as their everything (as parents are) we erase their innocence and curiosity of the world and start instilling fear: “Be careful, Don’t do that,You’ll get hurt, Don’t do it that way!
I have had to do a lot of personal EFT in these areas to overcoem the fears and anxieties this kinds of upbringing created for me.as I grew up. I had constant fears such as fear of the unknown, waiting for the other shoe dropping, not being safe etc.
As an adult and after seeing many clients with similar upbringings manifesting similar health conditions, I wonder what would life would have been like if I was constantly told: “Have fun, that’s going to be so exciting, you can do it without me” etc.
Just say the two sets of examples out loud. You can feel the difference in the energy of the words.
I just know I am grateful to have learned this before I had children so I could break the fear loop as I know I will be able to now.
If you are like me and had fear instilled in you as a child, you can use EFT to collapse these beliefs that are still running your life now.
Possible EFT Set-ups:
Even though they told me I had to be afraid because something bad was going to happen and I still believe it today, I choose to forgive them as they were just showing me love in the way the knew how.
Even though I have to be on guard because something will catch me by surprise, I choose to allow the small, scared child inside of me finally relax and play.
Even though I am scared of the unexpected and don’t think I can handle it or be safe, I choose to trust in myself and give myself permission to let go.
Best wishes,
Diana
To find out more about my coaching or EFT visit: http://www.inthemomentcoach.com
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